Should I watch the Wentworth Episode?

I read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon over ten years ago. And by far, the most disturbing scene was what Jack Randall did to Jamie Fraser in Wentworth Prison. At that time, I couldn’t even read it. I literally skimmed over that part. I felt so many emotions: turmoil, anger, disgust, confusion, sadness… I wanted to somehow jump into the books and kill that sadistic bastard myself. Yeah, I know I have issues.

Recently, I tried to read that part again in the book so I could be prepared to watch the show this weekend. But, unfortunately, I still was unable to do it. Literally, my body goes through physiological changes. My heart beats fast, I begin to perspire, my breathing gets shallow, and the horror of it all even causes me to tremble. Oh, did I mention I have issues?

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s all fiction. But I’ve always been the one who really gets into my characters…especially if the story is written well. I completely lose myself in the fiction world—always have. So no matter how many times I tell myself, “It’s not real,” it doesn’t matter. Maybe that’s why I enjoy writing; I completely bury myself in my fantasy world.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been debating whether to watch this episode or not. As a loyal Outlander fan, I usually watch the episodes numerous times. But this one is going to completely mess me up. The funny thing is that I know exactly what’s going to happen because I’ve read the books!

So back to my original question: Should I force myself to watch this one? After going back and forth, I’ve decided that I’ll be in front of that television this Saturday.

Here’s my rationale for watching it… First of all, the actors have put themselves in the awkward scenes to bring to the fans what we’ve all been waiting for. How long have we wanted to actually “see” this amazing series? I figure if they’re doing these difficult scenes, the least I can do is support them. Secondly, I have to put on my big girl pants and be able to deal with the good and the bad. As disturbing as this episode will be, I need to sit through it (even if my eyes are closed most of the time). Thirdly, I believe that there will be light through the darkness. “A strong soul shines after every storm.” And lastly, I want to see how Claire’s love helps Jamie heal. Although he falls deep, deep into the dark hole, her love helps pull him out. She literally “saves Jamie’s soul.” And how can I refuse to watch something that beautiful?

So, I’m going to face all of the emotions with my fellow Outlander fans. I’ll take a deep breath and get through it… because no matter how impossible it may seem, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.